


(Let Me Love You) Until You Learn to Love Yourself

by funnygirlthatbelle13



Series: Helpless [6]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Caleb Widogast Needs a Hug, F/M, Jester Lavorre Needs a Hug, Pining, Polymorph Spell, Self-Loathing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-10
Updated: 2020-04-10
Packaged: 2021-03-01 20:14:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,039
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23572933
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/funnygirlthatbelle13/pseuds/funnygirlthatbelle13
Summary: Jester and Caleb talk about the past week’s events and find comfort in one another.AKA the one where they talk about (some of) their feelings.
Relationships: Jester Lavorre/Caleb Widogast
Series: Helpless [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1636885
Comments: 25
Kudos: 183





	(Let Me Love You) Until You Learn to Love Yourself

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, guys! So sorry it’s been so long since an update. You know how things have been lately. But I did it!

Jester sat in the crows nest, staring up at the stars. She should probably be below deck with her friends sleeping, but she just wasn’t tired. And who was going to stop her, Marius? 

So she sat in the crows nest, her knees pressed to her chest, staring up at the sky. Out here on the ocean, with no civilization for miles, she could see everything the sky had to offer. 

Jester let out a sigh. They always seemed to run into a lot of stressful shit on the ocean, but the past week had been worse than normal. Ever since that Feeblemind spell had hit Caleb, everything seemed to have fallen apart. 

“H-hello, Jester,” she nearly jumped when the warm, familiar voice of Caleb entered her mind, “May I join you? I-I think we need to talk.”

Her heart crashed into her stomach. What did she say? Of course she wanted to talk to Caleb; she’d been missing his presence ever since he’d started avoiding her. But she also wasn’t sure if she was ready to hear how she had hurt him. But that was selfish. She needed to make this right. 

“Okay,” she whispered. 

It took some time, but Caleb made his way up to the crows nest. The moment his head was visible, Jester saw his brow crumble. 

“Oh, Jester,” he said as a sigh. 

She scooched over, letting him sit down next to her. He wasn’t looking her in the eye, and she copied him, staring up at the moons instead. 

They sat in silence for who knows how long… well, Caleb knew, but she certainly didn’t. But eventually, he spoke.

“How have you- how are you feeling since your-“

“Since I got petrified?” she muttered, glancing over at him. Caleb was fiddling with the copper wire in his hand, wrapping and unwrapping it around his hand as he stared into his lap. He sighed.

“Ja,” he muttered, “I know you were… upset that day, and-“

“Cay-leb, I wasn’t upset about that! I mean, yeah, it sucked, but it wasn’t worth crying over.”

Caleb looked up, a frown on his face.

“Jester, it-it’s not like it was nothing. You were turned into stone.”

She sighed.

“Ja, but like, I was less upset that I got turned to stone than I was that you didn’t even care enough to see if I was okay.”

****

Caleb stared at her in shock. Did she really think he didn’t care? He had been freaking out so badly that he’d been screaming at the others. 

“And it’s just… I don’t even know what I did to make you mad at me,” she all but whispered, her voice high and uncertain. 

He felt himself crumple. She thought he’d been mad at her this entire time? That was so far from the truth it would have been comedic if she had not been so clearly upset by it. 

“Oh, Jester,” he mumbled. How did he explain to her that he was upset with himself without revealing his feelings towards her? “I-I was upset for you, not because of you.” 

Her head cocked slightly to one side, and Caleb had to fight back a smile. She really was adorable, far too good for him to be around. But still, he needed to make this right. Ideally, nothing would cause her pain, but especially something as loathsome as him. 

“You were in danger, a-and I wasn’t thinking very clearly. It was pointed out to me that I… wasn’t being very helpful, so I got out of the way.”

“I don’t get why you freaked out, Caleb, it wasn’t that big of a deal,” Jester muttered, avoiding his eye in favor of staring at her boots. 

Oh, Jester. He could tell that the petrification was bothering her more than she wanted to let on. They had been traveling together long enough that he had learned her tells. This was important, even if Jester herself didn’t realize it.

“Well, I don’t think it was nothing,” he mumbled, scratching at his arms, “But… I would not have reacted so strongly if I hadn’t already felt guilty.” 

Her head snapped to look at him, and he could feel the blood rushing to his cheeks.

“Guilty?” she repeated. 

Look her in the eye. Don’t avert contact. No, how could he look into those purple eyes, knowing he had failed her so completely? 

“Ja,” he muttered, trying his best not to sound bitter but almost certainly failing, “You were trying to make things better for me when… well, I know you were upset getting stuck with me when I was like that.”

“Cay-leb, no-“

“Jester,” he said emphatically, “I remember enough to know how upset you were, and I can’t blame you. It would have been easier just to leave me in my room.”

****

Caleb’s words stung like a slap across the face. Did he seriously think so little of all of them, of her?

“We’re not Trent Ikithon, Caleb, we’re not going to lock you up again.” 

She couldn’t believe that she needed to tell him that, but apparently she did.

“I-I know that,” he said, staring at her with those blue eyes. It was almost impossible to stay mad at those eyes. 

Almost.

“I wasn’t upset because I was taking care of you, I was upset because I don’t like to see you hurting,” she explained, trying to get her emotions in check, “Do you really hate yourself so much that that’s hard to believe?” 

“I-I’m not a very good person,” Caleb murmured. 

“You always say that, Caleb, but I don’t see it. I don’t. Why do you hate yourself so much?” 

Deep down, she knew the answer. That whatever Trent Ikithon did to try and turn him into an assassin broke him, leaving all of this guilt that he didn’t deserve. 

Caleb gave her a small, sad, broken smile that did nothing to assure her. 

“That’s not a very happy story, blueberry. You do not want to hear it now.” 

But she did. She wanted to know what had happened so she could convince him that he was just being stupid when he said he was a terrible person. She wanted to make it right, right now. 

But that wasn’t going to work, and she knew that. At least, not right now. Right now, they needed to deal with the past fucking week. Then she could worry about what had happened years ago. 

“Okay,” she said, “But, Caleb, next time you’re upset, just talk to us, okay? Even if all you say is that you’re not mad at us and you just need some time, then at least we know what’s going on.” 

“O-okay,” he whispered so quietly she wondered if she’d imagined it, “Okay.”

****

He chuckled, scratching at his arms, “I’ve been a real arschloch this week, haven’t I?” 

Really, he shouldn’t have been surprised. He had a gift for ruining anything good that entered his life. Why should his friendship with Jester be any different? Friendship, he reminded himself firmly, he was already being selfish by being her friend. Anything more would be too despicable for even him. 

A cool hand touched his, and it took all his willpower not to jump at the touch. 

“I mean- Caleb, I-I know you think that you don’t deserve to be happy, and that you think that you don’t deserve any love but… please, can you try?”

He stared at her, those purple eyes glassy and glimmering with tears, and his resolve crumbled. What could he do? He was in love with her, uselessly so.

“Jester,” he whispered, and it felt almost like praying, saying a name with such sincerity, “I know it may not seem like it, but… I-I am trying. I have hated myself for over a decade. It-it is not easy to change after so much time.” 

He was not sure what he expected, but it certainly wasn’t for Jester to take his hands in her own. His heart and mind raced, as they had the other times she had done this, and Caleb forced his mind to focus. 

His heart, he knew, was out of his control. 

“You’ve come so far, Cay-leb,” she said earnestly, his name sounding like music on her tongue, “I know that, and we’re all very proud of you. But we still see you being sad, and we want you to be happy! So I’m going to keep telling you that you deserve to be happy until you believe it, and I bet Veth and everybody else will do the same thing cause we all love you very much.” 

She squeezed his hands at the end of the sentence, but he was already far gone. Love? Had she said love? Well, yes, but in the context of the group, dummkopf. She didn’t mean it the way he meant it when he thought it over and over again, half of him wanting to scream it and the other half hoping to stifle it forever. 

Scheiße, he needed to say something.

“Ja,” he mumbled, nodding as he squeezed her hands back. She deserved so much more, so much better. 

But she was here. With him. So the least he could do was make it as bearable as possible.

Besides, he had made a promise. 

“Do you want to try something as a distraction?” he asked, and her eyebrows quirked in that way they sometimes did when something reminded her of one of her smutty books.

Caleb hoped he wasn’t blushing. 

It killed him to break contact first, but he needed his hand to pull out a cocoon from his component pouch. Jester grinned, and they both began casting. 

The world was a lot larger from the vantage point of a cat, even a large, fluffy cat like himself. And the scent of the ocean all around them was intoxicating. 

But then he saw her, and none of the rest mattered. Human Caleb worried himself with things like guilt, deserving, and doubt. But Caleb wasn’t Human Caleb now, and the sight of the silvery blue cat flooded his heart, mind, and soul with affection until he couldn’t perceive anything else. 

Evidently, she was happy to see him too, because she was purring as she rubbed against him. Oh, this was wonderful! He rubbed his head against her ferociously for a little before they curled up together in kitty bliss.

****

Jester didn’t remember falling asleep, turning back, or beginning to cry, but it seemed as though all of them had happened without her even realizing. 

By the time she had processed all of this, she noticed a scratchy feeling on her cheek. She opened her eyes to see a large, fluffy orange cat with stripes licking the tears directly from her cheek.

“Cay-leb,” she said with a giggle, “That’s gross! You know, if you’re thirsty, I can conjure water for you.” 

The cat stopped licking her face, instead staring at her inquisitively. It was weird. Even as a cat, Caleb’s eyes seemed to pierce into her soul. 

Before she could think it through properly, she kissed the top of his fluffy head. 

Oh shit, oh shit oh shit oh shit. That was a pretty stupid thing to do, wasn’t it? But Caleb didn’t seem to mind. He was rubbing her face with his, purring furiously. 

It was silly, she thought, how even as a cat, she was still smitten with him. Stupidly so, really. If the last week had proven anything, it was that she and Caleb were on totally different wavelengths when it came to their relationship. It was so stupid. He hated himself so much he couldn’t believe she actually cared about him. And here she was, caring very deeply. 

Jester sighed and continued petting the cat in her lap, watching as the bright blue eyes stared up at her, and she smiled. 

They were both fuckups and wrecks, even if she was better at hiding it. She, well, she was afraid of sadness. And he lived in it, so much so that he couldn’t bear to imagine loving himself. That was okay, at least for now, as a work in progress. She could love him enough for the both of them.

**Author's Note:**

> There it is! I hope you enjoyed! If you did, please leave kudos/comment/bookmark. It’s important now more than ever to lift each other up (especially as our stats are down)!


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